Emails to Heaven

Hello Michael Steven,
It is Christmas Eve again. My 7th Christmas without you. This has been the longest years of my life. They say things happen for a reason, but I am still waiting for my answer. There is no instruction manual for life after the death of a spouse so the challenges that we must face can be very overwhelming.
I am still working on my nonprofit, but I have found since I started it that society doesn’t care about surviving spouses. I have run into many roadblocks trying to bring change, but I will keep working on it.
Last time I wrote, I told you about Roxxy and how she wasn’t doing well. She passed away on April 27, 2023. She had a massive stroke here at home. I couldn’t find anyone that time of morning to help me with her. I couldn’t lift her myself. I felt helpless. She died within a short time of having the stroke. My buddy Tyler also passed away in March. Mommy’s little Mr. T. I missed him dearly along with Roxxy. I hope they are both with you. All I have left of our 4-legged family is Beagle Baylee and Xena. I have 3 new stray cats I am taking care of. I named them Missy, Sammy, and Charlie.
I never heard from your family since your funeral. I haven’t heard from our son in over 4 years either. You need to pay Michael a visit. I emailed your sister to let her know of the grant program I created in your memory, but she never responded. Didn’t think she would. Never understood why she hated me. I never did anything to her. I am working on creating a National Day for Widows and Widowers which I picked your birthday to celebrate this special day on. If approved, I will email her about that accomplishment as well to see if I get any response from her.
I haven’t seen any signs lately that you were here. Please come and visit me. 💔😢

Merry Christmas Michael. This is my 6th Christmas without you. Miss you every day! Your dog’s miss you as well. Jake and Little Marlee died this year, but I am guessing you already know that. Roxxy is not doing well. She has an enlarged heart which is pushing upward and hitting her esophagus and it makes it hard for her to breathe. I was told in a dream last night that she will die within a month. Not sure if I can believe that but I guess I will have to wait and see if it was real or not.

Hello Michael Steven,
Today is May 9, 2021 which would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. My days are long and the silence and emptiness hurts. Wish you were here. Happy Anniversary.
Love always,
Cheryl

Hello Michael,
It was 4 years ago that you left me. Many words were left unsaid. I had asked if you could hear me, and if so, please squeeze my hand. There was no response, only silence, except for the machine that was keeping you breathing.

The hospital put you on a ventilator which I had instructed them not too the day before since there was nothing they could do to save you. That was the most difficult decision of my life to take you off of it. Once they removed the equipment, within a short time, you were gone. No goodbyes. You always said that the antibiotics that they were pumping into you would eventually kill you and that is exactly what happened.

This has been the worst 4 years of my life. The emptiness and silence is a struggle every day. At dinner time it hurts to look at your empty chair. Too many challenges emotionally which makes it difficult to get up every morning. It’s like having my own version of Ground Hog Day that will never go away.

Your beagle girls miss you, especially Roxxy. Ralph bought your dump trailer. Roxxy wants to go over next door and sit by it. I guess she is hoping you will come. I think sometimes she mistakes Ralph for you when she sees him.

Our son abandoned me. It will be coming up on 2 years in May that I saw him last. He changed his phone number and email address so I cannot get a hold of him. He even sent me a letter telling me to stay away from his home. I feel this was all Harley’s doing because we did not raise our son to be this kind of person. But I cannot lose sleep over their silliness so I don’t even think about it anymore. I just wanted to let you know.

You have visited me a couple of times in my dreams. There is even a presence sometimes in the house which makes me wonder if it is you letting me know that you are here. Like the bathroom scale coming on or the flash light in the outlet behind the bedroom door that flashes sometimes when I have trouble getting up in the morning. If it is you, please come back more often.

Miss you every day.
Cheryl